Tuesday, August 24, 2004
So, I wrote the stuff below yesterday. Today, I'm in a much better mood. :)
It wouldn't be a far cry from the truth to say I work with a bunch of slobs. I don't know when I became such a compulsive clean-freak at work, but I certainly am not like this at home, nor was I ever this bad earlier in my life. I see something messy; I have to clean it... and then I drive myself crazy and piss myself off because I feel like I'm the only one doing any cleaning around work. I still have my experiments to run, mind, which should be my priority, and it is, but last week, oh, the horror.
My boss basically put me in charge of making sure that the lab stays clean and telling others to keep it clean, since I am such a cleaning-freak. This was a couple of months ago. Well, needless to say, I don't like getting in people's faces about things, seeing as I am a non-confrontational person, so I don't like telling people to keep things clean. However, I let the rage I feel build up inside until I practically explode. I am like that with a lot of things. I don't oftentimes outwardly express what I'm really feeling if I'm angry or upset around most people, but that doesn't mean I don't feel it.
Well, amidst my cleaning last week, I lost concentration and accidently threw away from things that a couple of other people needed for their experiments. Granted, they were understanding about it and realized that I hadn't done it intentionally, but I was still so upset at myself. Well, my attitude on Friday had hit rock-bottom. I felt miserable.
I decided why should I give a damn about keeping things clean? If others don't care, why should I? I'll just keep my own desk and bench space clean and clean up after myself, but why should I be responsible for others, who are all adults and should be perfectly capable of cleaning up after themselves? So, I'm on strike, basically. I was telling one of my co-workers this today, seeing as she did the same thing a year or so ago. She used to try to keep things clean and organized, but then she had enough and gave up. Well, she told me that what I'm doing isn't the answer. I should have asked her why she did that very same thing, then, and why she hasn't changed from that decision since then. If she chose that answer, why can't I?
It's like I'm somehow "not allowed to." It's like I've already been given the label of "cleaning bitch" or something, and I'm just supposed to continue to keep my mouth shut and keep going about being miserable. That's not fair, people! I keep my mouth shut 99% of the time. I hardly ever tell people off for some of the things they've said to me that I've been hurt by. I've let people walk all over me. And you know what? After a while, I get kind of sick and tired of it! And I think I have a right to speak my mind for once! God knows there are plenty of other people in the world who feel the need to constantly bitch, moan, and complain about how horrible this or that and the other is. I deserve that same right, and yet, whenever I do complain, I feel like I'm being reprimanded for doing so in the first place.
There are few people on this earth who I truly confide in, and they know who they are. My husband, my closest friends, my family... they are the ones who give a damn (and a whole lot more). I'm grateful for them, thank God, because without them, life would be a lot harder. I'm done complaining now. Just had to vent. Sorry.
posted by Sindie 1:46 PM
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